Now if you have followed my blog from day 1... you know i have had quite a few bumps in the road when it comes to relationships. I came close to marrying the last man i was with ... i thought i loved him very much. Few problems were present in our relationship, we never fought, never argued, and when we did it was over in minutes and solved with laughter... It wasn't until i found out he was secretly abusing my son just months before I planned to walk down the isle. He was lying to my face and i trusted him with my sweet little boy who was just 2 years old. (To know more about this i write about it Here.
Needless to say this was the closet i came to saying those very words... "to have and to hold."
I now get the third degree on when i will be marrying my current boyfriend; Who, Lets face it ... in most peoples eyes is pretty perfect. His perfection on paper is much to make any parents or soon to be parent in laws weak in the knees... At the mere age of 25 has succeeded academically, founded a successful fraternity for his university, graduated with presidential honors and is now set for life career wise.
They also assume we are not married yet because of him. I get these questions on a regular basis..."why hasn't he asked you?" "When will he be ready?" "you guys have a beautiful daughter, house, family etc. soooo WHEN WHEN WHEN???" These are the most infuriating... because it is probably more me then him who is not ready... I have developed this anti-marriage attitude and well lets face it ... a down right phobia of the "to have and to hold discussion." Blame it on my experience, or blame it on the fact that i went through 2 divorces with my mother and watched her get hurt on right after the other... i have developed this natural instinct to put my "I Do" Guard up. I am now at the age where my friends are all marrying... and now divorcing as well... I watch these girls cry when they say their vows ... and within months, they are crying signing divorce papers... and I'm wondering why it is in this day and age people put their hearts through this? Why is it that we say these little yet such heart breaking and powerful words?
This weekend... my boyfriend and I had one of the biggest and heart breaking weekends full of fighting we have ever had. Hurtful things were said that cant be taken back, and now we are numb to each other... saying short answers to questions, sleeping in different areas of the house and pretty much avoiding each other.
He is from one of the only families i know where there is no divorce... they are all still together ... but in my mind have stuck through situations i would never put up with. But maybe this is the problem... because they know the other will never leave they treat each other in ways i could never imagine treating anyone... let alone someone i have promise "to have and to hold"...
SO is this day and age... which type of "spouse" is wrong? The ones who give up and do not give in? or the others who give in and never give up?
8 comments:
Hey Lauren, I am 24 years old and was actually married when I had just turned 22 years old. My husband and I have been married for three years this past May and we have had so many arguments it's hard to count. Neither of us come from families where divorce was present, however I, like you, refuse to put up with things that some women do, so often times when I speak my mind it causes an argument. From my experiences, I can tell you that it's okay to take time away from your significant other/spouse and think about the situation to then come back together and then be able to talk to one another calmly rather than very upset. In the end this will only draw you closer to one another, and hopefully make your relationship even stronger.
The way my husband and I handle our arguments, is actually just as you are doing (well, at first we didn't, but we learned that the way we handle things now works best for us). We get angry, spend time apart, then come back and sit down and talk things out once we both cool down.
I am 40 something celebrating 18 years this coming Sunday.
There have been ups and downs both emotionally, spiritually and economically. We talk through them.. sometimes are silent to them but we do eventually talk it out. I have been known to throw a dish- this was really early in our marriage and it was GREAT! I think he got my point and I never did it again LOL
We dated 3.5 years before we married and had to go through training (we are both Catholic) and discussed our differences prior to marriage.. or so we thought. There are lots of things that come up with plans we thought we had and have not come to pass but this is marriage. We have learned to grow with each other. My grandmother told me, "if I were going to choose a boy it would be Jeff.. I couldn't choose anyone better."
We have 4 kids and are discussing a 5th... I know.. did you just read that?? can't believe I wrote it! lol!
Talk with your boyfriend... you are right- the words are said and can never be taken back. They are out there for good. What do you 2 plan on doing with the words? leaving them dangling or discussing how hurtful they were? finding out if there is truth in what was said and that is why it hurts so much??
Hang in there.. I will say prayers for you...
Hang in there sweetie! Honestly, I don't blame you for not wanting to jump into marriage. As a matter of fact, I applaud you for being careful before you do it. My hubby came from a family where his mom has been married three times and his dad has been married FOUR times. Almost everyone on that side of the family has been divorced at least once. We've seen what a mess all those failed relationships have taken on their family. Until you both feel like it's the right thing to do, there is no hurry. Don't let other people dictate what you should or shouldn't be doing with your life and your future just because they think it's the right thing for you to do.
It's hard, like you said, you don't want to be the person who avoids marriage when it might be the right thing for you, but you also don't want to be the person who stays married in a relationship that is bad just so you can say you've never been divorced.
You have a good head on your shoulders and I know you will do the right thing for you and your family!
Lauren, I am soooo sorry you are going through this.... its a horrible feeling...to go to sleep at night with no resolve. My heart goes out to you.... I hope you get some resolve soon.... and as for divorce... I come from a family of one... I truly believe that it is better to be happy and alone... than miserable and with someone just so you can say you stuck it out and didn't divorce.... because at the end of the day.... when our children are all grown up.... and moved out and on with their own lives.... well... unless you believe in reincarnation..... you get one shot at life.....and YOU deserve all the best : )... sending hugs to you.
Wow everything you said about marriage is exactly how I feel. I have a great boyfriend, we've been together for years, but I have such a negative outlook on marriage, that it sort of puts a rift in things. I don't want to get married because like you, I've seen so many relationships around me crumble(my parents are also divorced), that I just don't ever want to go through that heartache. I know a lot of people are all for the tradition of marriage, but to me it just seems that marriage is just a piece of paper. Its a legal binding contract. Thats it. In my opinion, it shouldn't take a piece of paper to solidify a relationship. And I know some might have different views on marriage, but I just think marriage isn't going to change anything. If you have a good relationship or a bad relationship, putting a ring on your finger and legally being bound by contract to that person isn't going to fix that. Thats just my opinion though.
I also don't think its right for people to have to suffer through crap marriages because they're "married". I think its so important for people to know what they deserve, and stick to their guns when it comes to that. I don't know you or your relationship but everyone has their ups and downs, however I think its important that if things happen in the relationship that are irreparable, sometimes its best to move on. LIke the poster above me said, at the end of the day when you're kids are all grown up and gone, you just have you. And I definitely agree with her saying its better to be happy and alone than miserable with someone your whole life. You have one life to live, and its important that you live it to the fullest. Love is an amazing thing to experience, but you can also still be happy alone with your children, your family, and friends. Good luck to you! A lot of us have different backgrounds and views but I'm sure we all have some wise words to share if ever needed any. Good luck and stay strong. Once you figure it out, you'll look back and be stronger than ever. You have two gorgeous children that will love you no matter what, so never forget that. :) Good luck girl.
I have to agree with you views on marriage....been there, done that and don't know that I ever want to do it again...
I personally don't see what is wrong with just loving someone without the paper...but I must admit my views were different before going through my own stuff...
but with that added to the fact that my parents split and the fact that the divorce rate is so high....I just don't know if I beleive in it anymore...but thats me...
I will say though that I do beleive that no one should get married until after their 30's....I am so different now than I was when I got married and can't even imagine who that person was at 20 something that knew what she wanted...
but again..maybe thats just me...
Sorry you and your BF are fighting and I hope it blows over...and I say, follow what is right for you...not what everyone else thinks may be right for you...
Good Luck from a new follower ;)
i Lo,
I thought long and hard about if I should comment...before I start, I think you know from my blog that I'm a christian, (didn't grow up this way) so this is where I'm coming from...I know what I'm going to say isn't the popular view, but here goes...(and since I don't know you personally or your boyfriend, this is very general)
1. God hates divorce(I hope I haven't lost you yet)
2. whether married or living with someone and you separate then pain is the same, it's like a death. Children still have an abandonment feeling. They don't know the difference between married or not. They just know that mommy & daddy don't live together. As a child from divorce (when I was 2) I can tell you that, it messed me up in more ways that I could have known. Things that I didn't even realize until my 20's, when looking back on my teen years.
3. "When divorce is not an option" doesn't mean you run over your mate like a mac truck! It means that you are together for life, so you better treat each other special! no one wants to live a life of misery... and God didn't intend for that to happen.
I can tell you that early in my marriage, I was a spoiled brat...and I was unhappy and didn't know why...I expected him, the house, the kids everything to be perfect! I nagged him and made him feel like he was incapable of doing anything! So he did nothing because it would never meet my standards...well then that would create other problems... :o) see the cycle? He felt that the only thing he was good at was being a provider (for an ungrateful wife) of course I never saw myself this way. Some how we managed to get through it...
Dr. Laura (she really has good advice, you just have to get past her bluntness at first) has a book called "proper care & feeding of husbands" I highly recommend it, it's a quick read. Her philosophy is that women have all the power to make a great relationship or not. Men are pretty simple, they just want a peaceful loving existence at home. (I think they are kind of like water...they take the path of least resistance) ;o)
Please remember that all relationships have ups and downs...I have taught my girls that during a marriage there will be times where you think "I can not go another day with this person" and you stick it out, and you come out of it even stronger and more in love...not the butterfly type of love, the love that make you think of their needs before your own. That's what it's all about...if both are doing that, that's the perfect marriage. Just remember the different between NEEDS and WANTS!
I hope and pray that you will get through this!
liz :o)
My personal view on marriage is that God meant it for forever. It even says in the Bible that God doesn't like divorce. Marriage def isn't something anyone should just rush into. Both me and my husband meant our vows and don't ever plan on divorcing. Ever. No matter what. There isn't anything that we go thru that us and God can't work out together.
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