Reading Lauren's blog post about "Relationship Rehab" was like reading a chapter out of my own life's book, "An autobiography of Dominique and her Relationship Experiences"...and I'm guessing that a lot of you out there feel the same way. It was like a flashback to the early parts of my marriage. But despite all the tears and heartache, I don't regret that difficult time in my life, because I came out ahead, with a valuable lesson learned. After four years of marriage, I have finally learned what "love" means.
I'm not talking about the "in love" feeling: fluttery, tingly, almost sick to your stomach when you don't see that special someone or talk to them... that euphoric high that you get after being around that Mr. or Ms. Perfect for a while and you start to think that they might be "the one". No. I'm talking about something totally different. The "thing" that most fairy tales conveniently leave out in their "happily-ever-after" version of marriage and commitment.
Back when I was single, I loved to be "in love". Nothing was better. It was an emotional high to feel special and to know that someone amazing thought I was pretty amazing too. But at some point, "in love" led to marriage. And marriage led to a major reality check.
I remember thinking at one point, "What the heck?! Marriage is supposed to be this amazing thing where you connect with someone on one of the highest levels possible! My husband is supposed to "get" me better than anyone else! What are we doing wrong?" I was horrified to discover that the "tingly" feelings were gone. I no longer waited by the phone for his texts or calls. The euphoric high that I had been riding had degenerated to a dull buzz that was remarkably similar to a migraine, and it felt like we spent more time fighting about the mundane details of our life than we did enjoying each others' company.
It wasn't until we were sitting in a Marriage Enrichment class two years into our marriage, talking things out that I learned something huge. We weren't "in love" with each other anymore. My initial reaction was depression. Well, great. I was clearly bound for divorce, because the one person I was SUPPOSED to STAY "in love" with wasn't "in love" with me, and I wasn't "in love" with him either. But as the weekend continued, I learned something huge. We still loved each other. And no, not the love you feel for your parents, siblings, friends, or children. A different kind of love. Something that I had never thought existed before, because I had never been in a relationship that had persevered after the "in love" feeling had gone away.
This love was the kind of love that I can honestly say has only existed for my husband. It was the kind of love that stemmed from the knowledge that the man I had married was an amazing father who was completely dedicated to myself and our child. It came from the knowledge that I couldn't think of a single person that was more honest, and.. in reality, that created the most profound sense of trust I had ever known. The list of traits that I loved about my husband went on in my head. But all I could think was, "How is it possible that this amazing man sits in front of me and yet I don't feel "in love" with him?"
And then it hit me. Because marriage is not about being "in love". Yea- we all get married because we are "in love", and we are told by the media, movies we watch, even some of our family and friends that when you fall "in love" that it is the proverbial sign that you have found "the one". But in reality, marriage is fundamentally about "love". And the truth about "love" is that it is a completely different feeling than that of being "in love", and most importantly, it is a choice. One that I had been unconsciously making every day for the two years I had been married up to that moment.
When my husband and I were fighting about chores, I still loved him. I may not have felt that tingly "in love" feeling, but it didn't affect my devotion or commitment to him. Despite the fact that we had been through two miscarriages that had completely rocked my world and left him feeling like I was emotionally shutting him out, we still loved each other, weaknesses, flaws and all. Despite a childbirth that left me so physically scarred that we weren't capable of being physically intimate for six months, we were as committed to each other as were were the day we got married. It was a huge awakening for me.
And now, four years into my marriage, I can honestly say that I have been in and out of the "in love" feeling with my husband several times. Honestly, it depends on how much time we have to be "romantic" with each other. I need things like flowers, love notes, bubble baths, and date nights to feel that "tingly" feeling. And let's face it- once you have kids a lot of that gets replaced with diapers, Dora, and midnight feedings. (Though luckily the last of those three isn't a permanent part of being a parent.) But I have always "loved" my husband. And we have, over four years, continued to work on our marriage by trying to make time for each other, talking through our squabbles, and spending some quality time on just us with no kids involved in the mix. Most importantly, we learned how the word "love" translated for each of us (after being taught about "the love languages"), and began to implement the action of "love" in a way that the other could understand and appreciate.
I think one of the wisest things I was ever told was at a pre-cana marriage encounter. The couple that had been married twenty years said, "In the span of your marriage you will experience phases of disillusionment combined with that euphoric "in love" feeling. It's like a roller-coaster ride, with rocky parts, and ups and downs. The important thing is to persevere and ride through your rough patches, while communicating with your spouse."
So, at this moment in my marriage, I look back at all the downs in my husband's and my four years together, and thank God for every one. They've only solidified our relationship.
I make the choice to love my husband every single day, whether I'm cleaning throw up off of my favorite shirt or celebrating my anniversary over a glass of champagne in a bubble bath.
And most importantly- I thank God for helping me discover the difference between being "in love" and simply "loving". Because the truth about "love" is that it's one of the deepest and most fulfilling things I have ever felt, experienced, and given. I love you, Dean.
